October 22, 2017|
My darling Harry,
It has taken me some time to get to this diary of my feelings since you have gone to be with the Angels. At first I woke up each day and wanted to just put the covers over my head and hide from the world because I missed you so much and I felt that it would be impossible to go on without you. I could not fathom my life without you being there by my side to laugh, talk and share our thoughts about all of the things around us. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for the kindness of a lot of our friends. John and Sherrie, June and Jimmy came and helped me to clean out your car so that I could sell it. I hated to do that but it hurt too much to see it in front of the house and to know that you would never come home to drive it again. They also helped me to get the stuff out of the truck. Yes honey, the truck that you were so happy with and yet did not get too much time with it. I am happy that we got it for you and that it did bring you some joy before your time was done. I am not and will not ever be sorry that we got it. I did have to send it back to the finance company which was not a fun thing to do but I had no choice it was too big for me to drive. I know that you thought I did okay with it when we went to Holly’s but it was really not my style. I know that it will all work out okay with the finance company.
I did cancel the extended warranty and the gap insurance and that will help settle the debt. I will be okay. Yes, just okay because I will always miss you my darling. You were my heart and soul and I don’t think that I will ever be able to love anyone again as I loved and still love you. I miss you every day of my life. I have some good days and bad days but either way I miss you.
I keep hoping that this is all a bad dream and that you will be back to me soon.
Today was a particularly hard day because I was writing thank you notes to the people that were so generous and kind to me after you were taken from me. It was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but I made it through it.
I have made some changes in the house and I do hope that you will not be upset with me but I had to make these changes so that I could live here. It is so hard without you. I am sorry but I got rid of your grandmother’s buffet. It was old and needed help, help that I was unable to give it. I toyed with painting it but the doors were so bad and could not be fixed. Please don’t be angry with me. I love you and I want you to always be part of my life but some things I had to do. I did give the Vets your clothes or at least most of them. I gave my friend Steve some of your jackets because he was so kind to help me get rid of the red truck and now he is going to sell my car for me. I do need the financial help but I will be okay Harry I promise. I have a couple of jackets for Brian Colleran, Delia’s husband and he is thrilled that I thought of him. He told me the day of your funeral that he really liked you and I was so pleased to hear that. I gave Gregory your watches, boy I didn’t realize how many there were but he was thrilled with them. He was going to keep one and give to the grandsons. Holly kept one too. I also gave her your original wedding ring as I am keeping the one that you were wearing and I will keep it forever.
I am giving your grill to Catherine as she loves to cook on the grill. I want to share you with everyone that is important to both of us.
For now I still have you with me and I am not sure how long it will be before I part with you but I can tell you it will be a while. I love you. I will visit you again soon, I promise.
October 23, 2017
Good morning my darling.
I am sitting here crying for missing you so much. I love you and I don't know what I am going to do to keep going. Sometimes I think that I am fine but other times I am not. Today I am not.
I love you.
October 30, 2017
Hi my love,
Yesterday St. Michael's had a Memorial Mass for all of the departed in the past year and Heather, Holly, Ann and I went for you however somehow they forgot to put on the list of names being read. Heather took your leaf up to the tree anyway and she put you on the highest branch. She told Fr. Tom that you erased your name from the list so that we could put you on the highest branch. Tomorrow is Halloween and I know that I don't get many kids but I will miss having you at my side chiding me for putting so much energy into Halloween. You know that I love it. Next I will be facing Thanksgiving without you and it will be so hard. Daryl has invited me and I will go....you know that I love being with people, nice people but now I have to be with people to just get by the day. Perhaps God's plan was to take you at a time when He knew that I would be busy and it would help me to get on without you. I will love you forever.
October 31, 2017
Good Morning Harry,
Happy Halloween in heaven. I will not be having a very Happy Halloween without you. I can't seem to get beyond the mornings without you. I do pretty good during the day as I talk to people and of course go to work but the mornings are so difficult. I miss you so much. I am dreading some of the days in the future and I try not to do so but it makes me so sad to think of Christmas Eve and New Years Eve without you. I can't stand the pain please help me to get beyond it. I love you so much and I can't believe that you are gone. Gone from my sight but never out of my thoughts and my heart.
I love you so much.
November 5, 2017
It is two months today that you journeyed to Heaven and my heart is breaking. I am sitting here and the tears are flowing freely. I just don't know how I am going to keep going without you. I miss you so much. Yesterday I watched Catherine play soccer and Holly and I talked about you. I can talk about you but when I am alone I am so sad. Please help me make the sadness go away. I want to be be strong and I want to enjoy what life I have left but I am so heartbroken over losing you. I thought we would live forever together. I love you so much. Please ask God to help me. I am having such a hard time. The Holidays are coming and I hope that I can get through them ok but I don't have much faith that I will. I try not to think about what Thanksgiving will be like and what Christmas will be like without you but I just seem to stray in that direction and I am so sad. I try to keep busy. I am doing stuff in the house and I even bought firewood so that I have to stay busy stacking it but my heart and my mind keep going back to you. It's morning and the mornings are the hardest for me. I was supposed to go to a party at Dr. Rau's last night but I just couldn't do it without you. I know that I would have been so lost without you there that I didn't go. I hope that Dr. Rau is not upset with me.
Please Harry ask God to help me, I need it so much right now.
I love you so much.
Today was another bad day for me. I read very moving memes on Facebook and they almost always make me cry over my loss of you. I don't think that I will ever get over losing you. I certainly did not expect when you asked me to take you to the hospital that it was the beginning of the end. I always thought you would get better and we would have a lot more time together. I will always miss you and I will always love you. I don't think anyone has ever loved another as I love you and always will.
I am worried about the holidays coming and I am frightened of getting through them without you. Please send me a sign to help me and please help me in any way that you can. Help to be able to be strong around other people and not to cry when they mention you. You were special and I know that people loved you almost as much as I did and I know that they feel that they have to say something to me but sometimes I wish they wouldn't. I am just so alone without you. Please ask Jesus to help me.
I love you and miss you.
Good Morning my darling Harry,
I have been having a terrible time and I need you so much. I am so scared of Thanksgiving without you and I know that I am going to be with wonderful people but it still scares me. I have such anxieties without you and I am afraid to to go. I hurt so much...so much more that I ever thought I would. Everyone tells me that I am strong but I don't feel very strong. Please ask God to help me and guide me. I have never felt so alone and lost in my life. When we were first together I had bad times because I wasn't sure that you were going to be with me and I often felt alone and lost but nothing like this feeling that I have now. I talk to Holly from time to time but I don't hear from anyone else. It hurts so much. I don't want my kids with me but I did think that yours would be a lot more loyal and caring but not so. Please send me a sign that things are going to get better for me. I love you and miss you so much. I cry so often and poor Tedy never can quite figure out what to do with me but he loves me and I love him. I would be lost without him. I think that sometimes he's sad because he misses you too.
Please help me!!! I love you!!!
Happy Thanksgiving in heaven my darling Harry. I know that you are with the Lord and I am thankful that you didn't endure a long and painful suffering. You were spared a great deal of pain and possibly humiliation at having to be dependent on others for care and survival. However, it doesn't make my pain any easier and I know that it should but missing you is so painful and I wish that you could send me a sign that let's me know it will be alright. Let me know that I will be better and it will get a little easier to be without you. I have been so overwhelmed with things to handle and my grief too that sometimes I feel like I just can't go on and I feel like I really don't want to go on. My kids are still estranged and I am not sure that they would be of any help at this time anyway. There have been a lot of people caring and being kind and that's nice and I guess that I have to learn to be grateful for that. I just feel so alone and lonely. I just don't know what to do. I try to keep busy but it doesn't always work. The pain is so great that words cannot express it. Please ask God and the Angels to help me gain the strength that I need.
I love you and always will.
Good morning Harry. I am having a rough time today. I try but it is so hard to be without you. I miss you so much and I cry almost every morning as I did today. Please send me a sign that you are watching over me and helping me to get through this tough time. It will never get easy but I hope that it gets better. I love you. I have had to face so much without you and it is so stressful. It was nice to just be able to bounce decisions off you and it made me feel more confident in my decisions and I miss that. The dishwasher that is only a year old is no good. I am going to write to Kitchenaid about it but I don't hold a great deal of hope that they will do anything kind of like the problem that we had with the refrigerator but it will make me feel better to express my disdain.
I am going to go out now for few things and hopefully get some more Christmas stuff done today while the weather cooperates.
I love you my darling and please be my Angel as I need you so.
My dearest Harry,
I am having a bad day today. I did so well for the last couple of days that I was proud of myself for getting so much stronger but today I am a mess. Please ask God and the Angels to help me today. I am so sad. I have tears pouring down my face right now and I can't seem to get by them. I need you so much...please...please help me. I love you and miss you more than you could ever have imagined. More than I would have imagined too. I will always love you.
December 2, 2017
Good morning my love,
I am writing to you today in the hope that this will help me get through the day better than yesterday. I don't know why but I just wanted to cry all day yesterday. I missed you more yesterday than some other days but I miss you every day. I love you and I don't know what I am going to do without you. Tedybear is here and he makes me feel better most of the time but I am so lonely without you. I just never envisioned being without you and now it's so hard. I have done a lot to the house to help me but I have a lot more to do and I do hope that I can go forward. I need help both physically and financially and I just pray that God gives me the way to do it. My heart aches every day for you and I know that no one can ever take your place in my life or my heart but I hope to find someone that will help me just not feel so lonely. Your kids have not been too involved which does disappoint me as I thought that they would do better by me. Holly is good but I don't hear anything from the others and I am disappointed. I offered Jeff your flag and your claddagh ring and he hasn't even responded to me. I do cry a lot and I hope that it does get better. Some people tell me it does and some tell me it doesn't and I am just beside myself. I guess I wish that I had a "fast forward" button and more time would go by and I would feel better. My cousin Joanne has been a big help but it's just the loneliness that gets me. Please ask God and the Angels to help me.
Love you always,
I had a very rough weekend and I think that I am getting better. I cried a lot. I went to Ann's party without you and that was difficult but I felt like a "duck out of water" as it seemed that no one cared whether or not I was there. I was so lonely. Billy and Ann finally showed up but I was almost leaving then. I just had to get away. I couldn't take any more. Billy and Ann were very nice to me and they told me that they loved me and that they thought you were lucky to have had me in your life. I hope that you feel that way too. Billy said that he felt that you hit the lottery when you got me and I think that's funny but I think he's a great guy. I hope that you are at peace with God and all the Angels. I hope that you met my Dad as I think that he would have liked you very much. You were in many ways like my Dad. Oh God...how I miss you. I have tears in my eyes now. I wish people understood how lonely I am and would just call once in awhile to say hello and how are you. My clients seem to care more than the kids and more than some of my family that I would have expected to care. Anthony always asks me in the most sincerest voice "how are you doing...are you ok" every time I see him. He is a nice guy...a little hyper but a nice guy.
Well I have to go again my dear because I can't cry all morning.
I love you.
Good Morning Harry,
I am sitting here trying to work but the tears are flowing again. Yesterday I thought I was good but today I am not. I miss you so much and my heart is broken. Please ask God and the Angels to help me to be strong. I feel so alone and lost. The kids don't call me, Margaret doesn't call me. I do hear from Don and Winnie, they are the best and I talk to Ann and Joanne but I am still so lonely it really hurts so much. I just don't know how I am going to get through this. I really don't mind living alone it's just that I feel that no one cares enough to keep in touch. Maybe I am expecting too much of people but I am disappointed.
Please again I ask you to ask God and the Angels to help me through this. I love you and I always will.
I am sitting here missing you so much and crying again. When will it get better for me. Please ask God to help me get through this Holiday Season. I feel like I am a burden to everyone around me and I don't want to be that. I need strength and help. I wish people would think about me once a in while and call me. I am so lonely. I never thought living alone and especially without you would be this hard. I am absolutely heart broken. I talk to Ann but sometimes she just doesn't help because she is sometimes so negative. I know that we never get over what she has been through but she should be better after all these years and yet she doesn't seem to be. She gave me a ring for my birthday and I think that I hurt her feelings because I didn't like it and now she tried to give me one for Christmas and I don't like it either. I wish that she wouldn't do those things. She needs to put her money to better use and take care of herself. Harry why did you go away and so suddenly. I know that you had health issues for a long time but I thought that you were going to be ok. I can't believe I am having such a hard time but I am. Please ask God to help me. I need His blessings so much.
I love you and I always will.
Well I made it through Christmas but not with a smile on my face actually with a sadness in my heart. Of course Holly, Rod and the girls were great. Margaret and her family were also great. Heather and Alysha and some of the kids came and I loved having them but I was also a little upset because some of the kids were very "touchy" of my things. They were even taking ornaments off the tree and I know that if you were here you would have been upset too. I love them all very much but someone needs to watch them more carefully. I hope that next year they will be that much older that I won't have the same issue. I love you Harry and I always will but I do hope that next year Christmas will be easier for me. This was so painful that words cannot express what I felt. Don and Winnie have been my saving grace and I will always thank God for them being part of our lives. They always speak highly of you and I know that it is because of you that they are so watchful of me. I thank God every day that I have many wonderful friends and they are mostly friends that I made with you during our life together. It was a wonderful time for me and I don't regret one moment of it.
I love you and I know that you love me. This is what I treasure.
I am sitting here crying because I am so alone and I miss you so much. Please ask God and Angels to help me through this terrible time and let me learn to live without you at my side. I know that you will always be in my heart but you are not at my side any longer and I miss that so much. I never thought it would be this hard to live without you. I love you. I need you. I feel so alone. The kids don't call me and all too often no one calls me. I was told that I was going to get your insurance money and I hope that it will help me to feel a sense of peace. I am seeking the help of a therapist and I am on some medication that I hope will also help me. I met a young man in the neighborhood who has come to help me a few times and I appreciate him and I hope that he will help to make life a little easier for me.
Please, please ask God to help me.
I am so alone.
I love you.
I am sitting here right now crying again. I am so lonely and I don't know what to do. I need help so please, please ask God and the Angels so shine their grace on me and help me to get through this awful time. I want to be happy and I know that you would want me to be happy but it's so hard right now. The counselor tells me that I am doing ok and kind of on track for the time that has passed since you went to heaven but it hurts so much. I really need help. I don't want people to be afraid to see me because I am crying all of the time. Some people tell me it's normal and I have to let it out but oh my goodness it's so awful.
I am taking meds but I hate to do that too. Today I am trying to not take any meds and it's really hard.
Please, please ask God for his help for me.
I need it so much.
Good Morning, Harry,
I am not having a good time right now and I need you to go to God and the angels and ask them to help me. Today is the celebration of Evelyn's Birthday and I can't go to it. It is too emotional for me to go without you especially since your kids except for Holly act like I don't exist. I feel very uncomfortable around them and I have talked to Holly about this a lot and I know that she can't control anyone and I also know that she agrees with me. She is having her share of issues at having lost you too and I hate to hang it on her but I do feel close to her. I just wish that they would call and talk to me once in a while and make me feel like I do belong. There are others too that I am disappointed in and I guess I have to learn to tough it out alone. I am going to buy a new car and I am going to over the kitchen and I hope that it all works out the best for me.
I am very sad and wish that I could find something that will make me feel better. Please ask God and the Angels to help me.
I love you.
Good Morning Harry,
I am having a really hard time today as I seem to be missing you more than ever today. I just can't get you out of my mind today. I love you so much and always will but I do need to move on with my life. I know that is what you would want me to do and I am trying. I bought a new car and it's a Cadillac like you taught me to love and it's beautiful. You would love it and I know that you would love that I have it. I am going to do the kitchen over too and I know that when it's done you will love it and I hope that you find a way to send me a sign that you do. I just can't stop crying today and I have to find a way because I do have to go to work soon. I love you and miss you so much. Please ask God and the Angels to help me find the peace to go on without you.
My dearest Harry,
Soon it will be what would have been our 16th Wedding Anniversary and I want you to know that I felt for the most part that it was sixteen very good years. We had our ups and downs but mostly ups. I miss you every day and I don't like being alone. It's not being alone actually it's being lonely that I dislike so much. I need you to guide me as to what I can do to make this feeling go away. I will always love you and you will always hold a special place in my heart but I do need more as time goes on. I really don't want to be alone forever and I know that you would not want me to be alone. Please ask God and the Angels to help and guide me and give me the strength to go on and hopefully build a new life for myself. I will always cherish the memories that we made together and I will keep them in a special place in my heart.
Please pray for me.
I love you and miss you.
Well my darling Harry today we would be married 16 years. We have been together 29 years in total but today was special because 16 years ago today you made me your wife and I was proud to be that. I loved you for so long and it was so special to become one on this day. It has been a difficult day for me and I hope that you were shining down your love for me and asking God and the Angels to help me through this day. It's funny because a couple of people actually commented to me today that they hoped that I was doing well and it must be difficult to be without you and that made me happy and sad. Happy to think about you and sad to be missing you. I have met a young man a couple of streets away from us and he has become like a son to me and he is very thoughtful. He texts me all the time and asks if he can be of any help and he has helped me many times. He texted me today to see how I was doing and when I told him that I was sad because it was our Anniversary he offered to come and keep me company. You would like him very much. Tom Kalperis' father asked me today how I was and mentioned that it is difficult without you with me. He lost his wife many years ago and he said he knows how I feel. It's nice to have such nice people around me. Don and Winnie have been the best, the have been my saving grace. I know that you loved them and I am sure that you are happy that they are looking after me. I hope you saw my new car and yes it's a Cadillac as I learned to love them from you. I am going to do the kitchen over too and I hope that you will send me a sign that you approve and that you like it.
I love you and always will not matter what. Please send me a sign that you love me too.
My Darling Harry,
I am going to lay you to rest on your birthday. I have invited the kids to be there to say their farewells to you too. It is not going to be easy but I feel that you will be happy to be at rest and you deserve to be in Bourne as you served our country in a very noble manner and you were always so proud of your service in the Coast Guard. I intend to make that part of the "terms of endearment" that I am allowed on your plaque. I hope that this is what you would want and that you are happy with the Lord. I feel that you must have met my Dad by now and that you are getting along with him just fine. You and he are very much alike and I know that he would have loved you if he had known you like I know you. He would have loved you like I love you and always will. I was sick recently and I feel that you did watch over me and sent Holly to look after me. She is my rock and I love her and I have to say thank you for allowing me to know her. She is a very special person. I feel that for whatever reason God took away my grandsons and He has given me two of the most wonderful Granddaughters that anyone could ever ask for and He has given me other grandchildren that I do love even though we are not as close as Evelyn and Catherine.
I am going to sign off now but I will be back to visit you again. I will visit you in Bourne when I know that they have you all settled.
I love you, my darling.
Today has been the most difficult day for me since you have gone. It's Mother's Day and I am alone. I have spent most of the day crying and I don't know what to do to feel better. Everyone has someone except me. Why? I just don't know. I was a good Mom and my kids just don't care. I was a good Stepmom and I haven't heard from any of your kids either. I have not been so sad since you were gone. I don't know why I am destined to deal with this pain but I am trying not to question God or His plan. Maybe you or my Dad could intercede for me and have something nice happen to make my day a little better. I am going to go to the TinRay to watch the Celtics and hopefully I will feel better then. I just took a pill so maybe that will help me too. Please Harry ask God to help me. I am so alone and lonely. I miss you so much and words cannot express what I am feeling right now. I want to stop crying so that I don't look like a sad sack when I go to TinRay.
Please send me a sign...I felt that you did stop by yesterday when I saw the cardinal in the cherry tree but I am still feeling lonely.
I love you.
May 25. 2018
Well my darling we laid you to rest on your birthday and I hope that it was the right decision. The kids were there and Anne was there too. Don and Winnie came also which was very nice. They have been very supportive of me and I really appreciate it. The Memorial Day weekend is here and I am having a hard time both because of the holiday and because of the weekend. I keep busy during the week but the weekends seem so long for me. I try to keep busy but I am so lonely and it hurts so much to be without you. Please ask God to help me get my bearings and be more comfortable being alone. I do have Tedybear but he can't answer me when I talk so it's not the same. I miss you so much. I never thought that I would miss you this much. You were afraid that I didn't love you and now you can see how much I do love because I am in so much pain, the pain of a broken heart. I pray every day for God to heal my broken heart and I do sometimes feel that I am on the right track but then I have these setbacks and it is so painful.
I am sitting here writing this to you and I am crying again. Please ask God to help me.
I love you and I miss you.
Good Morning, Harry
I am here again crying for missing you so much. I don't know what to say except that I do miss you very much and I love you very much. I don't want to be so sad all of the time but hopefully this will pass soon I worry that I am difficult for people to deal with because I am so sad a lot of the time. Please help me to be happy again. I know that you wouldn't want me to be sad forever so please ask God and the Angels to help me to be able to smile again.
I love you my darling.