October 22, 2017
My darling Harry,
It has taken me some time to get to this diary of my feelings since you have gone to be with the Angels. At first I woke up each day and wanted to just put the covers over my head and hide from the world because I missed you so much and I felt that it would be impossible to go on without you. I could not fathom my life without you being there by my side to laugh, talk and share our thoughts about all of the things around us. I don’t know what I would have done if it hadn’t been for the kindness of a lot of our friends. John and Sherrie, June and Jimmy came and helped me to clean out your car so that I could sell it. I hated to do that but it hurt too much to see it in front of the house and to know that you would never come home to drive it again. They also helped me to get the stuff out of the truck. Yes honey, the truck that you were so happy with and yet did not get too much time with it. I am happy that we got it for you and that it did bring you some joy before your time was done. I am not and will not ever be sorry that we got it. I did have to send it back to the finance company which was not a fun thing to do but I had no choice it was too big for me to drive. I know that you thought I did okay with it when we went to Holly’s but it was really not my style. I know that it will all work out okay with the finance company.
I did cancel the extended warranty and the gap insurance and that will help settle the debt. I will be okay. Yes, just okay because I will always miss you my darling. You were my heart and soul and I don’t think that I will ever be able to love anyone again as I loved and still love you. I miss you every day of my life. I have some good days and bad days but either way I miss you.
I keep hoping that this is all a bad dream and that you will be back to me soon.
Today was a particularly hard day because I was writing thank you notes to the people that were so generous and kind to me after you were taken from me. It was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do but I made it through it.
I have made some changes in the house and I do hope that you will not be upset with me but I had to make these changes so that I could live here. It is so hard without you. I am sorry but I got rid of your grandmother’s buffet. It was old and needed help, help that I was unable to give it. I toyed with painting it but the doors were so bad and could not be fixed. Please don’t be angry with me. I love you and I want you to always be part of my life but some things I had to do. I did give the Vets your clothes or at least most of them. I gave my friend Steve some of your jackets because he was so kind to help me get rid of the red truck and now he is going to sell my car for me. I do need the financial help but I will be okay Harry I promise. I have a couple of jackets for Brian Colleran, Delia’s husband and he is thrilled that I thought of him. He told me the day of your funeral that he really liked you and I was so pleased to hear that. I gave Gregory your watches, boy I didn’t realize how many there were but he was thrilled with them. He was going to keep one and give to the grandsons. Holly kept one too. I also gave her your original wedding ring as I am keeping the one that you were wearing and I will keep it forever.
I am giving your grill to Catherine as she loves to cook on the grill. I want to share you with everyone that is important to both of us.
For now I still have you with me and I am not sure how long it will be before I part with you but I can tell you it will be a while. I love you. I will visit you again soon, I promise.
October 23, 2017
Good morning my darling.
I am sitting here crying for missing you so much. I love you and I don't know what I am going to do to keep going. Sometimes I think that I am fine but other times I am not. Today I am not.
I love you.
October 30, 2017
Hi my love,
Yesterday St. Michael's had a Memorial Mass for all of the departed in the past year and Heather, Holly, Ann and I went for you however somehow they forgot to put on the list of names being read. Heather took your leaf up to the tree anyway and she put you on the highest branch. She told Fr. Tom that you erased your name from the list so that we could put you on the highest branch. Tomorrow is Halloween and I know that I don't get many kids but I will miss having you at my side chiding me for putting so much energy into Halloween. You know that I love it. Next I will be facing Thanksgiving without you and it will be so hard. Daryl has invited me and I will go....you know that I love being with people, nice people but now I have to be with people to just get by the day. Perhaps God's plan was to take you at a time when He knew that I would be busy and it would help me to get on without you. I will love you forever.
October 31, 2017
Good Morning Harry,
Happy Halloween in heaven. I will not be having a very Happy Halloween without you. I can't seem to get beyond the mornings without you. I do pretty good during the day as I talk to people and of course go to work but the mornings are so difficult. I miss you so much. I am dreading some of the days in the future and I try not to do so but it makes me so sad to think of Christmas Eve and New Years Eve without you. I can't stand the pain please help me to get beyond it. I love you so much and I can't believe that you are gone. Gone from my sight but never out of my thoughts and my heart.
I love you so much.
November 5, 2017
It is two months today that you journeyed to Heaven and my heart is breaking. I am sitting here and the tears are flowing freely. I just don't know how I am going to keep going without you. I miss you so much. Yesterday I watched Catherine play soccer and Holly and I talked about you. I can talk about you but when I am alone I am so sad. Please help me make the sadness go away. I want to be be strong and I want to enjoy what life I have left but I am so heartbroken over losing you. I thought we would live forever together. I love you so much. Please ask God to help me. I am having such a hard time. The Holidays are coming and I hope that I can get through them ok but I don't have much faith that I will. I try not to think about what Thanksgiving will be like and what Christmas will be like without you but I just seem to stray in that direction and I am so sad. I try to keep busy. I am doing stuff in the house and I even bought firewood so that I have to stay busy stacking it but my heart and my mind keep going back to you. It's morning and the mornings are the hardest for me. I was supposed to go to a party at Dr. Rau's last night but I just couldn't do it without you. I know that I would have been so lost without you there that I didn't go. I hope that Dr. Rau is not upset with me.
Please Harry ask God to help me, I need it so much right now.
I love you so much.
Today was another bad day for me. I read very moving memes on Facebook and they almost always make me cry over my loss of you. I don't think that I will ever get over losing you. I certainly did not expect when you asked me to take you to the hospital that it was the beginning of the end. I always thought you would get better and we would have a lot more time together. I will always miss you and I will always love you. I don't think anyone has ever loved another as I love you and always will.
I am worried about the holidays coming and I am frightened of getting through them without you. Please send me a sign to help me and please help me in any way that you can. Help to be able to be strong around other people and not to cry when they mention you. You were special and I know that people loved you almost as much as I did and I know that they feel that they have to say something to me but sometimes I wish they wouldn't. I am just so alone without you. Please ask Jesus to help me.
I love you and miss you.