My Journey with Grief
by Evie Fisher.........................................
My Journey with Grief
Grief to me is not a journey you go through but one that travels with you the rest of your life. A highway that has ups and downs and twists and turns, but never ends. There are speeding signs in the road that slow you down, speed you up and even lets you change lanes when you need to, but won't let you get off. This journey never ends. This is not a journey that I ever planned to take or ever wanted to go on. A roller coaster ride that takes you from shock to deep despair. I can't get a clear picture of life anymore because my eyes burn with a river of hot bitter tears that flow at an uncontrollable rate.
Sometimes my brain can't keep up, because grief dementia and tunnel vision has set in. The hairs on my head are turning white before my very eyes and there are times when my body is numb with grief I don't know where it starts and ends.
The sudden mood swings come at me like a tornado, accompanied with a heavy rain of insanity. My heart lives with the crushing pain that keeps me otherwise paralyzed. My universe has gotten so small I can barely move and there is no room for anyone else. This journey goes on and on.
There is nowhere I want to go and nothing special that I want to do and certainly nothing I want to buy that would give me a minutes of happiness or distract me from my devastating loss. I can't block you out of my heart or shake you off ad there is no walking away from you. You are and always will be the very best part of me, my dream come true and the most beautiful sight my eyes have ever seen. You are my greatest joy and my deepest sorrow.
The mountains and the valleys keep coming and still there is no end to this journey. How do you go from being a loving devoted mother one minute to childless the next?? It's just not natural. How does a heart so broken keep beating.?? Alone at night I watch the shadows dancing on the walls and I wait with hope against hope to see if God sent you back, so I could catch a glimpse of you. I hear an noise and I call out your name but no answer. Sometimes I can smell your cologne or I feel your presence for just a fleeting moment and then it's gone. My grief takes me to a place I have never been before, a place where hopelessness is all consuming.
I remind myself that even though this journey goes on and on, it will one day lead me back to you. I can hardly wait to see you again. You my amazing son, it will all end with you. Oh what a glorious day. In the meantime God holds my tears in his hands, my sorrow in his heart and you my treasure in his loving arms.
I miss you my good boy, my precious child and I will love you with my whole heart always and forever. LOVE, MOM
IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY BEAUTIFUL AND AMAZING SON BILLY FISHER
Oct. 4th 1072- Sept. 21st 2008
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Evie Fisher