I sit here in the lonely dark
remembering the past,
so many changes, all of us,
some did, some didn't last.
I learned a few short weeks ago
my dad, his battle is losing;
the cancer is not abating,
instead, it carelessly goes cruising.
It wanders through his tired body,
destroying all he is...
and though I pray til forever,
prayers don't always make the wish.
I wish that things were different,
I wish of things that could have been;
I pray that he won't suffer,
Prayers awash with grief not seen.
The last time that I saw him,
the white hair quite a shock...
so hard to see or understand my daddy,
soon with me won't walk.
He wasn't the model of fatherhood,
he made the mistakes, all of them...
but he is still my father,
for that, I can't condemn.
His life was often troubled,
love, he couldn't much show...
though I know in my heart, my daddy
loved me, and my siblings, so.
He would talk of my sisters and brother,
so proud of them he would say,
and to them he would talk of me and my son,
now he barely can talk today.
My heart feels oh, so flooded
with emotions from deep, wrenching pain,
to feelings of pity and helplessness,
and the downpour of cold, icy rain.
He stood tall, once in life, my daddy...
I remember those moments as snippets in time;
he wasn't sentimental in youth,
but has become, as time unwinds.
Now the hourglass waits as the sand go through,
our lives merely ebb and flow;
I sure hope my dad knows that I love him,
I've often told him so.
He did teach me many a thing in life,
even though he was not much of a 'dad'...
as a man in this world, he was great in ways
so many don't see, and that's sad.
I think of the things that could have been,
how he could have known love so much sweeter;
if only he'd known how to let go in return,
and if only he'd met someone who'd need him.
He deserved so much more in this chaotic, cold world,
than a harsh word, and all of the blame...
he deserved happiness, and love, and joy,
he deserved more sunshine than rain.
My heart is not going to take all of this,
it empties itself in my tears. In torment,
my heart cries out for him,
my daddy of so many years.
I cannot fathom, or make any sense
of anything else anymore....
I only know that death is waiting again,
to abruptly shut the door.
Damn you, death! You steal everyone...
my sister, my father, my friend;
damn you to eternity!
Your hold on us never ends!
You take the sweetness, you take the bitter,
you don't play sides, I know;
you force us to engage in the race
to that person, our love to show.
In earnestness, we try to cover
the years that should have been ours...
a last ditch effort to amend the hurt
and encourage love to flower.
Daddy, I love you, and need you here!
I can't be strong right now...
I know that soon you will be gone,
and the regrets will teach me how.
I learned the lessons you did teach me,
of nature, that you know...
you taught me my love of animals,
and showed me the sunrise's glow.
You taught me how not to go through life,
keeping everything inside;
in my eyes, you are a great man, in your way,
my love for you I can't hide.
Daddy, I love you, and need your hugs
though sparse they were, I admit.
You love me, and that is enough for me,
so in memory I will have to commit.
My son, you saw so many years ago,
when he was just a babe..
it hurts my heart to know you
won't see him growing up, coming of age.
A fine, good boy of five now,
he remembers you from those photos...
you've talked to him several times now,
and that is only what he will know.
Damn you, death, to be so cruel...
to take from a child a love he could know!
Damn you, death! Damn you to hell!
Dad...I love you so.