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final good bye

by Judy .........................................

I will never forget my last day with you. That morning you dragged me out of bed...adament to finally teach me how to make your perfect eggs...I can still hear your voice, I can see you standing in front of me and asking me "what if I'm not here tomorrow? What if God has another plan for me?". That moment will always haunt me. I remember telling you that God would never take you away from me...and I believed that with all my heart, because not one day went passed in all the time that we were together that I didn't look up and thank God for you and for finally showing me true happiness. I was eternally grateful that my prayers were finally answered, that God had blessed me with my prince charming, the soul mate I was begining to think didn't exist. I was wrong...because that was the last day that I was going to have with you.
You were not only my lover, my future husband but most of all you were my best friend
You showed me the value of the small things in life and to treasure them and that's what we did...together. I will always look back on those memories, smile and know that you once loved me with everything you had. We had no money but yet we got by...somehow...with you it felt like nothing else mattered, no amount of money would ever be able to buy me the love that we shared. Never have I met a man so wise, far beyond his years and so pure of heart.
I have experienced what true love really is and there is no feeling like it, something I will never forget.
The night you were taken away from me, the night you left, a huge part of me died with you, I now feel like an empty shell.
Today I am a broken person, no soul in sight. So miserable and lost...so tired of putting on this mask that I'm ok...pretending that I'm fine. Somehow it felt that if I could convince everyone else that that one day I to would believe it. Doing everything I could to forget and to make the pain go away, I couldn't find it in me to deal with it. I am ashamed...to know that you are with the angels watching down on me. I have done so many hurtful and disgusting things that I don't even recognise who I am anymore...I really have no excuse. I miss you with all that is left of heart and soul, and been doing everything I can to fill the hole that is left inside of me...but I have accomplished nothing. There is still that agonising hole and a trail of distruction behind me. I'm sorry you have had to watch that...knowing that that isn't the woman you were going to make your wife, the woman who was going to be the mother of your children.
I have finally reached a point where I want to pick up the pieces of my shattered life, find my true self again and finally make you proud. I want to be the person I once was...the one you were proud to call your lady.
Its clear there won't be any closure for me, I know that now...I thought revenge was what I needed but I know that isn't what you would have wanted, I know your at peace. Going to court and seeing those 3 faces, just made me sick to my stomach and facing your family feeling this ashamed was too hard to bare. I knew seeing justice take its course wouldn't be enough for me either...in my eyes there is no justice for the beautiful soul that is gone today.
I will forever and always have this hole inside of me, there is no filling it and I will have to learn to live with that, I guess that is just my cross to bare. I will never be able to love like that again, I know its impossible... as hard a pill as that is to swollow I will learn accept it as that seems to have become apart of my journey. No one would ever be able to take your place and I won't be able to share that love with anyone else. Its impossible when you know and feel that your soul mate is no longer here. It hurts so much that I can physically feel the pain. My heart will always long for you, I will always have this feeling that I'm not whole and I know that its because your not here with me. As much as it hurts, I'm trying to accept it...with the hope that God will put me back in your arms again one day, I know and believe that that is where I belong. With your initials inked into my back, I know your walking this path with me everyday and it gives me the strength to carry on.
One day I will be ready, brave and strong enough to say my final goodbyes when I return to your final resting place one last time with 13 bright, yellow sunflowers...one for each beautiful month you made special in your own unique way

Comments would be appreciated by the author, Judy



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