Loss of a Child in Memory of Zachary Blake Stein
by Karen Haney.........................................
Zach, When you left us, you left behind so much sadness. I always knew in my heart you would be the one to take care of me as I grew old. Your sister has all of her babies to take care of and your brother has his own family to take care of. You always had that caring heart and would take over any job I was doing, you didnt want me to hurt myself. You once told me that you wanted to show everyone you could become a good man, Zach, you grew into a great man.
I will never forget the last day I seen you, you were running around getting ready to leave for another 8 days of work, but you took the time to stop in the kitchen and say Mom if we get Bear( a dog we took in) neutered will he stop having accidents in the house? You knew it was killing me to think I had to find him a new home because I am so animal crazy, you were going to pay for him to get neutered. Aunt Jeanne took Bear home with her when you passed away, but to my surprise I looked out and another Great Pyrenese was at my door, how does this happen? Bob told me you would send me a sign. This big guy just came in the house and fell asleep in front of the fire place, just like he was at home. He has been here every since. He has become a part of the family, Zach, I know you sent him to me, to watch over me just like you did.
When you left us Zach your sister gave me a pink heart necklace (a locket) I placed some of you bone in it along with your picture. I wear it everyday. We took the horses to double m campground for memorial day and they had a poker run. I would rub the necklace when I drew a card and I drew kings. One time the horses were acting up and I just grabbed a card out of the bag, it was an 8. The final draw I was holding the necklace for luck and guess what, I drew a king of HEARTS! I had the best hand and won 723.00. Bob says you were riding with me that day. You would always say 'Dont worry Mom I got your back'
Bob was welding a couple of months ago and you know that you guys were always joking that you were the better welder and he was sloppy. He came in and told me he seen a shadow of white in the welding helmet and when he took it off the weld he done was the best he had ever done, a very nice, clean job, he says you were there taking over as you always did.
Oh Zach you are missed so much!!
Every day can be a struggle. How do I go on? I miss you so much, I miss you picking on me, joking around. There are so many unanswered questions leading to your death Zach, if only you could tell your Mommy what happened.
You left behind two beautiful children. Your little girl looks so much like you. I wish they could be a part of our lives, but greed is a funny thing. One day they will know us! One day I will get to tell them about their Daddy! One Day Baby Boy!
Zach, I had never felt pain until I lost you, the loss of a child is an awful pain and sadness that will never go away. I feel I lost part of my own life. I know I have to continue on. I know your Brother and Sister need a whole Mom not half of one. I know you dont want me to cry all the time, but knowing this doesnt prevent it.
Zane and Hunter stayed here for about a month this summer. Zane is growing up. You and him share the same bedroom, it warmed my heart to have him in there, he is very sensitive to your loss and so caring. He would keep the room so tidy and is so interested in any thing that belongs to you. He would lay there on the side of the bed at night and watch tv, just like you Zach. Those boys try hard not to show their pain but I can see they miss you so much. Your sister hurts every day. I try to cheer her up but I know she will spend the rest of her life wishing she could tell you one more time how much she loves you. I try to make her understand that you and I talked alot and you knew in your heart that your family loved you thru thick and thin. Your brother Jason, you know he isnt as outspoken as your sissa but he too is suffering. Oh Zach, if we could just have you back! Do you know how much you are missed?
Zach, your little dog Nikko thrives on protecting us. Bob says she is his dog now and will never forget the day you and I brought her home and the story we told him as to where she came from. She weighs almost 60 pounds now, she runs around here looking for something to do all the time, I tell Bob she is like you, she has to be doing something all the time. We love her so much, she too is a part of you. She is very smart, loving and caring. Gypsy slept in your bed for the longest time after you passed away, she misses you too. She has that sadness about her. People often forget that animals have feeling too. Zach, do you know how much you are missed.
Zach, you know how nervous I was about getting hurt on the horses after I got hurt that time, well I find my fear going away, I know you are there Zach, I know you are holding me up and giving me strength to enjoy what I love without fear, you are the one person that understood my fear. Thank you Zach! You know Bob wanted cash really bad, I decided to let him take him over and I took Diamond, I always hated the fact that she was so scared and jumpy, I told Bob no deal on the switch if I couldnt get her to come around, well she and I have bonded, she is like a different horse. I enjoy riding her, no fear, I actually look forward to going now. I feel the new strength I have,,, Thank you Zach!
Zach, do you know how much you are missed?
Zach there isnat a day go by that Im not thinking of you. When I was pregnant with you, you were very late to arrive, how would I have known you were going to be leaving so early.
You and I listened to the radio all the time, sometimes I feel you are still setting there in the seat beside me flipping the radio stations. I miss that so much Zach, can you see us Zach, do you know how much we love you and how much we miss you!
Zach, I feel you here with me often. I know you have by back, just like you said you always would. Zach, I need you to do me a big favor-- I need you to warm your sister and brothers hearts. Let them know you are watching over them. You see Zach, I had you here with me and I had spoke with you a few days before you passed away, I got to say I Love ya Zach and I got to hear you say I love you too Mom. Stacy and Jason didnt get to say I love you or hear you tell them that you loved them. How was anyone to know they wouldnt get that chance. They need to feel the warmth of their Baby Brothers love Zach. As with me, it will not stop the pain, nothing will,,however it will give them strength,hope and a special place in their mind and soul just knowing. Baby Boy so many things have came in my life that has your name written all over it. I wish that for both Jason and Stacy, let them feel your love and confirm your knowing how much they love you. Zach, do you know how much we love and miss you?
What a team we were, just you, me and Jason and Stacy. We struggled thru hard times, poor as snakes, rich with love for one another. As hard as it was I never thought I would say this, but I miss those days, I miss us 4 being a family, it will never be again Baby Boy, you see there is a very important person missing,, it is you, Baby Boy, Baby Brother. A puzzle cant be whole and perfect if a piece is missing. Zach, do you know how important you are, do you know how much you are loved, do you know how much we miss you.
Nothing will ever be the same without you Zach, we all try to pull together but you see it is like pulling a chain that is to short, you can get close but not all together because you need that extra link to make it all fit. I guess if I had to describe it more I would say it is as if we are all linked together holding out our arms holding on to each other but just as it would be a strain on our arms it is a strain on our hearts trying to hold on day after day, you my Dear Son made us whole, you are that missing link and our hearts are hurting as would our arms be. We hang on knowing we will be together again. The 4 of us, rich in love for one another. We miss you so much Zach. How was we to know you wouldnt always be here to entertain us with your crazy ways, your smile, the way you would aggrivate us, joke, laugh, worry us crazy, how, why, when or where, we ask that question every day. Zach, do you know how much we miss you?
Knowing you will be there waiting for me Zach, makes facing my time to come home much easier. Knowing you will be there puts a smile on my face instead of fear in my heart.
Facing the fact that you are gone Son puts a sharp pain in my heart.I know that you wouldnt want me to cry all the time, but you see my Son, you are missed so much. There is no pain stronger than the loss of a child. You will always be by Baby Boy, your Brother and Sisters Baby Brother. Nothing can take that away from us. Zach, do you know how much we love and miss you?
Always know how much you are loved Baby Boy!
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Karen Haney
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