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by maggie .........................................

Living with my family as a child was difficult to say the least. I was beaten by my mother daily for things I didn't do wrong or because I didn't meet her standards with the chores. My father was the type that would beat her when he came home because he saw bruises or scratches on me. But that just made it worse the next day for me because my mother would just be harder on me. This went one until I was thirteen when the courts got me out for good and said it was to dangerous to go back. I didn't really understand the situitation and missed them everyday. I didn't want to leave them I just wanted things to be normal. I didn't want to be beaten or belittled I just wanted my mother to love me and my father to be proud of me. I am 34 now. But a couple of years ago when I was 31 I called my mother and she surprisingly wanted to see me and my father too. I had not seen them for 18 years. For all those years all that was in me was grief, for all I wanted was to see them, to show them my love and have them be proud of what I have accomplished. Finally now it was going to occur. I never gave up hope that one day this would happen. And it did. That year when I was 31 was the best year I could ever imagine. I got to know my father and my mother. I visited with them so many times and my mother apologized for everything she did in tears. Then the day after my 32nd birthday my father passed away.... On my birthday my father called me and told me that the year that just passed was wonderful and that he was proud of all that I have accomplised and that he loved me. That was the last conversation I had. After he died everything went wrong. I saw my two brothers that I had seen for almost twenty years and they had so many problems that just added to my mother's grief she wanted to move from California to Washington. So she did and now I can't visit with her either. I speak to her over the phone but it is like I lost her again too. All those years just wanting to see my parents just to lose them again. Was it worth the struggle and saddness. I miss my father tremendously. My mother has a heart aneurysm and doesn't have any health insurance after my fathers passing. Turns out he left my mother nothing. There was no life insurance no investments - just debt. So my mother just gets her SSI and is receiving the state help for her medical issues. Since my fathers death I have given my mother over 30 thousand dollars to help her circumstance. It has been two years now since his death and I am struggling with depression and grief over all that has happened with my family throughout this life. And I wonder what is it all worth, what is the purpose for growing up in an abused family to lose them twice. I know I should be happy I got that one good year with both of them but it wasn't enough. It was too short of a time for all that I struggled through. I can't find the purpose in all of this...

Comments would be appreciated by the author, maggie



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