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Never Alone

by suzanne .........................................

Ronnie was born in March of 53. i came along in 61. From that day on I was never alone even though I had a sister 4 years older than me, it was me Ronnie was always with. We would play for hours together. As i grew our favorite thing was barbies. I had every thing ever put out by barbie. We could pay all day in my room lost in our own little world. We also played church where he would give the sermon. When dad sold some timber we built forts out of the left overs. As I grew school was hard on me I was often bullied. Mom got sick and my sister Sandi took over the house. It was Ronnie who gave me comfort. We would pretend that my closet was a door to a world where I fit in. Time marches on and so it did for me. I was never asked out on a date. i was not asked to the prom. Ronnie tried to ease the pain and he did some but he could not take all the hurt away. I finished school and was happy to leave that part behind me. I met a man 2 years later and we were married and had 2 wonderful children. Ronnie was an uncle. My husband died after only 5 years of marriage. My life spun out of controll after that. Finally in 2003 I decided to take my own life. The pain was just to much to bear. I knew where I wanted to do it But I had to talk to Ronnie first. I made the 2 hour trip back home without telling anyone. The time had come to put away my childhood dreams. As i knelt on the ground next to Ronnie's grave a picture of my son Joseph fell out of my pocket and landed on Ronnie's headstone. As I looked at that picture I could hear Ronnie saying "you can not do this, he needs you. I'll never leave you. I am where I have always been, right beside you. You're never alone." I layed there for what seemed like hours and cried. I cried for the little girl that had been so lonely, for the young women who wanted just somewhere to belong and for my brother who died at birth but who lived through me.
I am 50 years old now and I do not know when Ronnie became such a part of me. Sometime I feel as if I was born that way. That He choose me to live through. As a child I never felt like this was odd. It was wonderful to have him all to my self. No he was not my other personality. In my eyes he was real and he still is. I still feel him beside me. When my time comes I know Ronnie will be right there to walk me home just like always.

Comments would be appreciated by the author, suzanne



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